Calls Of Duty

We all have bonds that we cherish

Bonds of life, of faith, of love

But the truth of the heart, my dear, remains

Calls of Duty rise above

“Let us never underestimate the power of a well-written letter”

I smiled as I read one of my favourite lines from one of my favourite books for the hundredth time. My home library was bursting with a zillion books, and I think I arguably had a million left to read, but my stubborn heart always preferred returning to the yellowing pages of some of the old classics. After all, old habits, old memories, and old feelings are guests who generally outstay their welcome.

It was one of the most beautiful evenings April had seen. A typical evening that would have justified my not staying indoors even for a second. But now, with the lockdown, I had to make do with sitting in the balcony, sipping my coffee, and slowly observing the golden sky turn violet as the evening waltzed into twilight. But I wasn’t complaining, very few had the privilege of doing so.

As I could feel my thoughts grandly flowing into a philosophical zone that I was not quite yet ready for, a familiar noise broke the trance. From the last two years, my unparalleled favourite cribbing subject had been that a new high rise building had just come up in front of mine, and that had been responsible for curbing a beautiful view that had been more in my mind than in reality, frankly, but I’m sure any Mumbaikar would heartily relate. Every time I saw the building, the inevitable frown lines just creased themselves across my forehead and if anyone happened to be within a metre, they would have to spend at least five minutes listening to my ranting. However, off late, I’d stopped complaining.

A reluctant smile wove into my cheeks as I saw a familiar figure lounge into the balcony on the 10^th floor of that building. He was holding a cup of what I assumed to be coffee, along with a copy of, bless my eyesight, “Bourne Identity” which he’d been reading for the past one week. Out of habit, he brushed his chocolate brown hair from his eyes, reflexively looked in my direction, as if expecting me to be there, and gave me a boyish wink, which I didn’t return, but my smile didn’t do a very good job of hiding itself.

About 6”2, he had a moderately admirable physique, a sandy complexion, a jawline that I suspected a Greek God had chiselled himself, and a disarming dimpled smile which he’d been generously dishing out to me for the past three weeks. I’d deduced he was a “Beatles” fan as half his Tees idolized the band, and I guessed he also liked football, because he spent quite a bit of time, just blankly gazing at the empty football ground in the far right, as his legs dribbled with a ball. He definitely loved gaming, as he often brought his console with him. He wanted me to think he liked to read, but it was obviously not the case because he religiously brought the same copy everyday whereas I was on my third book, but I admired the effort to impress.

Over the past three weeks, the two of us had just developed a silent equation of “accidentally” coming to the balcony at the same time. I didn’t know his name, he didn’t know mine, and we never made an attempt to start a conversation. We just enjoyed the silent company, and liked the way it was developing into a habit. In a lockdown where I spent almost the whole day doing nothing, this half an hour of nothingness was my favourite, and I liked to presume it was the same for him too.

As my watch inched towards 7 ‘o’ clock, I shut my book, preparing to go to my room again. As I looked in his direction, and gave him my standard “See Ya Tomorrow” smile, he suddenly waved out to me. As I looked at him questioningly, he took out his phone, put it on full volume, and started the theme song of Grey’s Anatomy, and smiled slightly. I was not a fan of the show, so I just shrugged my shoulders and gave him a thumbs down. He shook his head, grinning, signalled me to wait, and darted into his room. In a minute, he came back, and waved out a stethoscope he was carrying in his hand, and then pointed at himself. I unconsciously rose and leaned against the balcony ridge, looking in his direction. Even as I was mentally digesting the fact that a guy who I’d stereotypically assumed to be in a rock band was actually a medical student, he leaned back, reached out for his laptop and turned the video gaming screen towards me, which I instantly recognized as “Call of Duty”. As I looked at him quietly, he smiled and signalled himself walking away, gave me a thumbs up, and waited for my reaction.

I slowly realised that I didn’t know when I was going to see him next, and at the end of the day, even though he was a stranger, I couldn’t help feeling a slight emptiness. He was patiently waiting for me to respond. I slowly smiled at him, raised my coffee cup as a toast, even as my fingers fumbled with my playlist. As he looked at me expectantly, my phone started playing, “See You Again” by Wiz Khalifa in the background. Even though the night had engulfed the sky, I could see a wide smile crease across his face as he raised his mug too.

And just like that, in complete silence, we both quietly listened to the entire song, waved at each other, and went inside, leaving behind a moment that we dearly hoped, would continue post the lockdown.

We all have bonds that we cherish

Bonds of life, of faith, of love

But the truth of the heart, my dear, remains

Calls of Duty rise above

My Moment

There’s a wish I have.

Have had it in a long time.

Too long.

I want to walk down a long meandering road that has draped itself in the heart of snow clad mountains.

I want to see those endless colourful meadows of wildflowers that stretch as endlessly as an ocean.

I want to be mesmerized by the army of tall, tall conifers that tower magnificently in those far off horizons.

I want the pleasant breeze to whip through my hair, and kiss my flushed cheeks.

I want to run my hands through the icy cold waters of a laughing rush.

I want to be there when the first pure snows touch the green, green grass.

I want to trudge down a mountain road and gasp at the inexplicable beauty along the way.

I want to see those small clusters of houses in the heart of unexplored valleys.

I want that soothing silence to sing to my heart.

I want my mind to play my favourite song as I walk in this moment.

I want to lose track of time as I walk down the pretty lanes of an unknown town.

I want to get to know myself, spend time with myself and enjoy my own company.

I want to sleep below a sky of stars at night.

I want to have a conversation with the sea one calm evening.

I want to walk amidst a crowd of seagulls.

I want to run through a yellow field.

I want to stroll through quiet woods with tall trees with the sunlight filtering in through the laced curtain of thin leaves.

I want to see the clouds float in front of my eyes as I stand on a mountain peak.

I want to sit in a balcony one quiet evening.

I want to walk down one beautiful, long, long, so long flight of stairs.

I want to have a hopeless love affair with nature and I want to remember that one moment for the rest of my life. That should my moment. Just mine.

Frankly My Dear, I Don't Give A Damn

So many "firsts" with you, my dear,

I've shamelessly failed to keep a count,

An ocean of moments and memories that

Are easily etched, but tough to account.

My first coffee date, my first monsoon drive,

My first dance with you, when I learned how to jive.

My first long phone bill, those never ending talks,

My first of our so many rambling walks.

My first love letter, my first red rose,

The first time I flirted with poetry and prose.

The song of the winds at the brink of twilight,

You were my first stolen kiss in that night.

But then, from that long list of firsts, stems a thread,

That stands out a little more strongly, I dread,

How can I forget the words that you spoke,

The first one to laugh off my dreams like a joke.

The first one to tell me my smile was too wide,

My teeth showed too much, and a mole I should hide

The first one to point at the red dress I chose,

And say, "That's just so not-your-type, I suppose."

The first one to claim that I was a work snob

Did you ever realise, it was more than a job?

I gave you the love and the respect you sought,

But somewhere, my darling, I think you forgot,

In framing the book of my life and my thoughts,

You've a right to opine, but I still call the shots.

In that long list that but seems like a scam,

Lies a confession I'd like to betray,

There's still a special 'first' amidst the rest of that sham,

After all, you're the first time I did learn to say,

"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn".

Make A Wish

2025

11:59 p.m. on the face dial of my wrist watch. Sixty seconds. My phone screen lit up, signalling the flood of wishes bombarding WhatsApp post midnight.

Racing against time, ransacking the paraphernalia, ignoring the crooning landline, my eyes scanned the shelves, my fingers finally claiming the faded, yellowing grocery bill.

The clock struck twelve. I smiled into the wretched piece of paper.

Don’t Forget:

Apples (below 120)

1 kg Dal (They’re yellow!)

*Top priority

Don’t forget I love you. Happy birthday!

I read my first birthday wish at midnight.

Just the way I had been reading it since 2016.

Some Words Are Best Unsaid

Half past twelve, a Friday night, the time just seems too slow

Watching the re-run of a show for the hundredth time in a row.

A sudden beep just to my right interrupts my favourite scene

That too-familiar white light flashes at the top of my phone screen

A name I didn’t need to guess tops my Whatsapp list
I try my best to stop it but an unwilling smile persists.

As I deftly type the reply strictly composed by my mind

The message that my heart had drafted remains but undefined.

It goes into those recesses that seem to flood my head

Filled to the the brim with all those million words I never said.

Being a woman of so many words, it’s such a big disgrace

The key my fingers hit the most is sadly the backspace.

I never press that like button, my mind calls it a crime

FYI, my heart has reacted at least a million times.

I post that bland emoticon in each and every case

But while doing so, I wish you saw the smile that floods my face.

I take my own sweet time before I reply to your text

But trust me, before I even start, I’m waiting for the next.

I’m stingy with my compliments, a word of praise is rare

But if fortunes could be made with words, my heart’s a zillionaire.

I say that it’s the winter that has caused my cheeks to flame

But you and I know just too well, it’s you who is to blame.

In the constant fight that rages on between the heart and mind

There have been times when the heart has sleekly pushed logic behind.

And succeeded right till the end in justifying hopes

That pull the heartstrings just the way one pulls a puppet’s ropes.

And then at that moment and time, when the mind has given in,

When all those cautious reasons have been dumped into the bin,

I start to type out all the feelings stored up in my head,

But then as usual, my heart says “Some words are best unsaid”.

Precious Time

I met a friend last Friday night at Macy’s Bistro, half past nine

A dinner date we’d just scooped out of jam-packed lives, to wine and dine.

Meeting after twenty years, a time too long to justify

Ten years of which had gone in planning, the next ten hoping they fructify.

We talked about the time gone by, the highs and lows , the jeers and cheers

In crisply tailored ten minutes, we caught up on the twenty years.

Long gone were days of street-side joints, when every penny we had to guard

Now we didn’t so much as chance a glance at the right side of the menu card.

We ordered  dishes, names of which we’d long ago laughed off as fake

But now we’d reached a stage in life when gourmet food was just prosaic.

I spoke about my farm estate, she said her mansion had graced the Forbes’

We’d definitely come a long way from the talks of walls that need paint jobs.

We both recalled the times long past, the little pleasures, the memories made

And wondered if our next date would but cost  another two decades.

Now, when fate had blessed us with a flood of wealth and deluxe clime

It just so happened that all that wealth couldn’t afford a speck of time.

We had the money, we had the dreams, but time was constantly at strife

Those trivial pleasures we once had, were just too costly now in life.

That evening as we discussed of our wealth and status at its prime

The both of us concluded that,  we’d lost a fortune, precious time.

Rule My Thoughts Tonight

As I walk down the golden sands, biding time without a care

That endless train of thoughts I have, seem more entangled than my hair.

The waves rush to my sandy feet and kiss my toes with a ticklish chill

That pile of worries I’d built somewhere just crumbles down and time stands still.

The soothing weather, the whipping breeze, the air that night gives me the clout

I have the license just tonight, to choose what I want to think about.

In this moment of peaceful bliss, when I’m the ruler of my insight

You choose to play just so unfair and rule my thoughts again tonight.

Countless thoughts that feature you, just wake up from a gentle slumber

The shells that lie strewn on that shore, in comparison, seem less in number.

The rhythmic waves that rush to me seem to hum that cherished tune

To which we’d danced all night one time, that night had ended far too soon.

The beach lamps flood the sea with golden lights as far as my eyes scan

Just the way one smile from you lights up my eyes like nothing can.

The pending bills, the laundry wash, that two page letter I’ve still to write

You sleekly brush that list aside and rule my thoughts again tonight.

I see the trail of footsteps made as I walk down that moonlit beach

My eyes gaze at those specks of ships, far away and out of reach.

Thinking of the irony, I smile in rue and think of thee

You and I are on the same old beach, I’m at the shore, you’re at the sea.

The skyline has a myriad hues, like paint splashed on a canvas sheet

The frothy waves sound loud and clear, but not quite loud as my heartbeat.

Tonight the evening asks of me a wish I wish with all my might

Without a doubt my heart just dreams that I too rule your thoughts tonight.

Midnight Gapshap

“Did you enjoy the party?"

“I loved it!”

“I knew you would. Your fretting over this was completely unwarranted.”

“Now, when did I fret!”

“You know you did. Were you afraid they might not like you?”

“Darling, I was afraid I might not like them.”

“This is why I love you.”

I laughed as the handsome man sitting behind the wheel smiled resignedly. Strapping the seat belt across, I admitted, “Well, I was a tad nervous about feeling left out. I mean, this was your college group and I didn’t know anybody initially.”

“But now you do.”

“Yes, and I really like them.”

 Arjun smiled as he replied, “I’m really glad about that. These people are very close to me and what you think of them matters to me more than you can imagine, Radhika.”

Although I tried not to preen in that compliment, I had to admit it had touched me. Arjun and I had been married for about six months and it been an arranged alliance. We had naturally grown much closer to each other after marriage, but there was still so much to learn, notice and like and sometimes, I felt that it would take a lifetime to know Arjun. The fact that he respected my opinion so much meant a lot to me.

“I was seeing everyone after so many years, but it felt the same, you know.”

“I can understand”, I said, squeezing his hand.

“Remembering the good old days”, he remarked nostalgically.

Now that comment reminded me of the question that had been rankling in my mind since the party, courtesy all the famous college ke kisse which Arjun’s friends had generously filled me in with.

After a highly calculated casual pause, I enquired nonchalantly, “So—who is Samaa?”

Arjun frowned as he replied, “Samaa? Mmm…Samaa—I can’t seem to remember sweetheart, though the name does sound familiar.”

I tried again, “Samaa Raghavan?”

This little additional input erased that frown almost instantaneously from Arjun’s forehead. Instead, a huge smile broke across his face as he replied laughingly, “Oh! Sam!  I had totally forgotten that’s not her name.”

Sam.

I tried to digest this anglicised pet name assignment as I remarked casually, “So, you remember Samaa—I mean, Sam?”

With a positively dreamy look in his eyes, my dear husband replied, “To remember someone you’ve got to forget them first—and who can forget Sam!”

Wow, this was even more than I was prepared for.

“Was she a close friend?”

Arjun grinned at me cheekily, “Not as close as I would have liked her to be, but just to cut a long story short, Sam was my one and only college crush which lasted the entire four years; and you never forget that, do you?"

Who said I wanted the long story cut short?

“How—How interesting! So—I didn’t get to meet her at the party.”

“Oh, she didn’t come. Rohit mentioned that she’s holidaying in the States currently.”

“So you’re not in touch? I mean, I know infatuations come and go, but first love is first love.”

Arjun didn’t reply immediately, but after a pause, he said thoughtfully, “Yes, first love is first love.”

As we drove on,  Arjun suddenly looked in my direction and asked mischievously, “So Rohit told you the whole story?”

Whole story! And here was I, thinking it was only a chapter.

I laughed artificially as I commented, “No no, he just gave me a rough picture, you know.”

Arjun continued to look ahead, but after a brief pause, he spoke, and I could sense a definite dash of enjoyment in his voice, “Why do I get the feeling someone’s jealous?”

I immediately exclaimed defensively, “Now why on earth would I be jealous? I was just, well, curious.”

Arjun didn’t seem to convinced so I added, “It’s a long drive back home, so I thought we might as well chat about something fun. Midnight Gapshap, you know.”

Now that's what I call a good comeback.

Arjun laughed as he commented, “Okay, I buy that logic. But where to begin!”

I smiled tightly as I remarked, “Must have been pretty.”

“Uff! Sam was gorgeous! And still is, judging by her Instagram Profile.”

Hmm. So things were Instagram Level.

“Hazel eyes, peachy complexion, dimpled cheeks! And her hair; I have never, ever seen tresses that were so straight naturally.”

And my hair is a mass of curls that require three hours of parlour torture to attain a tamed look.

I decided that I had gained sufficient information about dear Sam’s profile. My imagination was more than helping me out with the remaining minor details. Hence, I sleekly changed the topic.

“So—what does she do now?”

“Surprisingly, she went in for modelling!”

And why am I not surprised?

“Wow. That must mean a lot of travelling.”

“Oh, Sam loves to travel! As far as I know though, she is currently based in Italy.”

And that’s why you like pasta.

I smiled sweetly as I confirmed, “Sam must have had an entourage of admirers.”

“Of course”, said Arjun grinning, and then winking at me impishly, he replied, “But I was first among equals.”

Calm Down Mode On.

I now put on one of my professional level fake smiles and enquired charmingly, “So—why didn’t things work out?”

Arjun continued to look ahead and remarked absently, “What didn’t work out?”

I grimaced inwardly for having to put this so bluntly, “I meant, why didn’t things work out between you and Sam?”

Arjun smiled disarmingly as he replied, “Same old story. It was a one sided thing.”

I smiled quietly and after a pause, asked, “And is it still there?”

Arjun grinned as he replied, “Absolutely, but not in the way you think.”

“Hey! I’m not thinking anything!”

“Darling, your imagination has given you a free tour of the whole of Italy today”, he said smirking.

I decided that my tongue and imagination both needed a break so I cordially ignored that last jab.

After a pause, Arjun spoke, “I never really expressed my feelings at that time because somewhere, I knew that she wasn’t interested back then. And as I mentioned, we were really good friends, so I didn’t want to ruin that.”

I refused to look as I remarked, “You should have kept in touch and  tried proposing after a few years.”

Arjun looked ahead and replied shortly, “There was no need for that.”

“Why?”

“Because she proposed first.”

Wow.

Now curiosity was winning the race against jealousy, so shunning all pretence, I asked, “Then what was the problem?”

Arjun grinned at me and replied, “Wrong timing was the problem, sweetheart.”

“Wrong timing?” I repeated, confused.

Arjun now looked at me and said, “Big time. Because by the time she proposed, I had already met you.”

The AC was on full blast but I could still feel my cheeks turning a flaming shade of crimson. Trying to act as casual as I could, I replied airily, “You could have refused me.”

Arjun replied candidly, “I couldn’t actually.”

“Why?”

Looking at me, he smiled quietly as he replied, “Because infatuations come and go. First love is first love.”

Mini Epilogue

As Arjun was busy unlocking the front door, I leaned against the wall and casually commented, “So—is she married?”

“Honey, you really need to give it a break.”

“That’s not the answer to my question.”

“Yes. A doctor— Siddharth, if I’m not wrong.”

“Italy—doctor—Siddharth—Oh my God, you surely don’t mean Siddharth Mehrotra!”

“That’s the name.”

“We were in the same college!”

“Do you remember him?”

A broad smile broke across my face as I replied sardonically, “To remember someone, you’ve got to forget them first, and who can forget Sid?”

A curt voice replied, “How—How interesting!”