NEWSPAPER TALKIES

“A picture speaks a thousand words….BUT….sometimes you need those thousand words to create your own picture.”

A thunderous applause boomed across the colossal room as Chaitanya Libas delivered the opening lines of his standard speech for the hundredth time before a brand new audience. I feverishly tried to stop yawning and look genuinely interested in what was going on. Though  it was an undisputed fact that Libas deserved the bestselling Author of The Year award, I think I deserved the Nobel Prize for endurance for bearing up with him. It took a very brave and valiant person to have the courage to become Chaitanya Libas’ PR.

The social gathering in question was the incredulously hyped press conference that Libas had called for to promote his latest book. All the major news channels and newspapers had generously sent a whole envoy of reporters to cover the event. The audience belonged to the extremely uber intellectual category. Abiding by the unwritten rule, all representatives had donned Khadi ensembles. Fake smiles, atrocious gossips,refreshments were gushing in,the press was going wild, Libas had already reached an ultimate high without even touching a drop of liquor, the audience was clapping, critics were wailing, the noise was jarring, the AC was not working, temperatures and tempers were shooting up, and I was  slowly beginning to go insane.

I was stealthily slipping out of the room to catch a breath of fresh air when, despite all the laws of probability in Physics, Libas caught my eye and signalled me towards him. Resigning myself to my fate, I slouched back towards him. Grinning scarily at the cameras, Libas whispered furiously,“Why haven’t we started yet?”

“Times Today representative has yet to come Libas….and just by the by, they informed me yesterday since most of their reporters are covering the Khanna’s wedding party, they might not be able to spare the usual team we get….so…..I think we will have to make do with just about anyone…” I trailed off unsurely.

“This is what happens when I am doomed with people like you heading my PR….I decide to promote my pet project and the whole world seems to be in the way because you don’t know your job!!” As Libas ranted on about my possible role in all the misfortunes that had occurred in his life, I switched off and started with my latest hobby of mentally reciting the alphabet, a divine cure to prevent insanity.

I finally got fed up with his thesis on my appalling lack of any good qualities and cut him short “Libas,  you don’t worry at all, I will just look into the matter, we are starting in the next five minutes and that’s a promise…” and before he could say anything I rushed towards the nearest exit in the room. As I was making my way towards the entrance, I accidently bumped into someone. Adjusting myself, I turned to apologise to that person and what I saw made me almost swoon.

A young girl, almost my age was adjusting her thick old fashioned spectacles as I looked her up and down. She was dressed in a simple suit with the most jazzy border. Her hairstyle was going to give Libas a fit, there wasn’t a patch of Khadi on her dress and her shoes had been the rage during my grandmother’s youth. She had wiry brown hair and a milky complexion. Her teeth were impeccable but her lipstick was horrible. 

Though I had no reason to, I suddenly felt very nervous. Before I could introduce myself, she spoke. She had a soft but clear voice.

“Avantika Kaladri. Times Today”

“Yea I know” I said dazedly as I tried to absorb her presence and continued,“Umm….you have been assigned the first row?”

“First row middle seat” she said grinning at me.

I imagined Libas gaping at this lady as she sat right in the centre of all his Khadi clad chamchas.  I gulped and tried to smile at her and said,“I’m Radhika Singh…..Libas’ PR…..The thing is uhhh…..he wasn’t expecting you to…”

“Oh I know”, said Avantika cutting me short and grinning widely she stated, “Trust me, he couldn’t have got a better replacement” and before I could say anything she walked past me into the room. Predicting that I was going to be sacked in the next few hours I frantically tried to approach Libas. By the time I reached everyone had arrived as all the reserved seats were occupied.  As usual Libas had gone beyond my expectations……standing right in the centre of the dais he was staring at the woman as though she were the last remaining dinosaur on earth.

 I discreetly walked onto the stage and whispered to Libas,

“I didn’t know she was going to be the replacement, else I ……………”

Libas whispered furiously,

“Just look at the view. A beautiful ocean of Khadi and then right in the middle of all that elegance sits a woman who has got a dressing sense worse than yours!!”

“Look we can’t help that now”

“You go and tell the press to begin the conference and after that you can go find another job.”This was one of Libas’ favourite dialogue and my long term fantasy. He kept telling me to go find a new job every now and then.

I quickly signalled the press to begin and went and settled down near the refreshments counter in order to watch the fun. For the first ten minutes Libas gave a lecture  on how he treated all the women in his life like Goddesses which made me want to fling my bag at him. As I was stuffing myself with the paneer tikkas kept nearby, the Q&A session began. 

The India Times representative was the first one to question :

“Mr. Libas the title of your book has so much depth…does it have anything to do with your past?”

Libas put on a mourning face and fat drops of glycerine tears splashed on his cheeks as he informed the curious audience that he had apparently been in love with some princess but she had not understood what he was worth. I knew when they would telecast this some highly melodramatic song would play in the background.

Followed by National Herald representative’s question : “Can we expect  any romantic novel from you in the future?”

“Yes of couuurse. I am a very romantic person by nature….” I nearly threw up my coffee at this.

Finally the mike was handed over to Ms Kaladri.

“Mr. Libas do you actually implement the message of equality that you have portrayed in your book?” she asked him clearly.

There was a strenuous moment where I felt that Libas was going to refuse answering her…..but as usual he went beyond my expectations.

“Madame ji……which newspaper are you representing?” he asked her cockily

“Times Today”

He effused one of his fake laughs and said, “Have you ever bothered to read your own newspaper?” 

I almost fell out of my chair when he said that. He had obviously forgotten that he was sitting in a press conference. I tried to signal him to keep quiet but he was too busy arguing.

“I’m afraid not”, said Avantika mildly.

“Then please do…..you will see that last week itself I had an exclusive interview with your Editor on this subject.”

“But you spoke on the modern woman’s sense of style and clothing”

“And I forgot to mention that they should adhere to the proper dress code when they attend formal events” 

This was getting too much. I immediately rose and headed towards Libas to stop him but was stopped by the cameraman who said laughingly “The fun has just begun and you want to stop it!!!”

“It won’t be remotely funny in a few minutes’ time I said wryly.

“My apologies”, said Avantika coolly.

Libas sniffed moodily and said, “And please update yourself with the latest news and dressing fashions ma’am”

“I will, thank you” said Avantika timidly

“And please start reading the Headlines at least….I feature in most of them these days”

“I will thank you”

“And one last request pleeeeaaase……I’m sure you haven’t read any of my books….please enlighten yourself and become wiser Ma’am.”

“I will, thank you”

As the Q&A session continued I went to Avantika and whispered, “I am extremely sorry on my client’s behalf…he doesn’t….”

“That is absolutely fine” she said grinning at me, “I really admire guts you know and your boss seems to be blessed with a generous amount”

“Oh he is actually quite sober” I said as Libas screamed at another reporter in the background, “Today is a big day for him so…”

“So on his big day he makes others feel small?” enquired Avantika politely.

I didn’t know what to say to that. Much as I agreed with her, it was my job to make Libas look like a hero though he he was going out of his way to bag the role of the villain. Just as I was going to say something it was announced that there would be a break of five minutes and the Q&A session would resume. The news reporters rose and started leaving so that the new batch could come in for the next session. I immediately rushed to Libas. Sipping his tea noisily he cackled,

“I think I handled the whole event beautifully despite being surrounded by people like you and that soul sister of yours”

“Libas, that was a press conference!!!! How could you speak like that?’’

“Press conferences are held so that people can speak!! I never expected your common sense to be as bad your nail paint!”

“Libas this is not a joke!” I said frantically and continued, “I don’t think I will be able to do anything this time”

“What have you been doing all this time anyway?”

“You should have kept in mind that she might be reviewing your book”

Finishing his coffee he looked at me and laughed, “That lady does not even read the headlines of her own newspaper, let alone my books”

“That’s because she doesn’t need to read the Headlines!!!”

“Really??? And why is that?”

“Because she is the new Editor of Times Today”

I had finally caught Libas’ attention as he now stared at me blankly. I continued,

“I thought you knew that! It had been announced yesterday itself……I was completely shocked to see her but I have heard she is known for making these surprise visits!!”

Before Libas could say anything, Avantika Kaladri walked to us and grinned at Libas. He immediately rose and tried to smile pathetically,

“I’m so sorry ma’am.  I never knew you were the new Editor”

Avantika replied,  “Just by the way, I have read all your books and I wanted to say that your vocabulary is as good as your language is bad”

“I’m so sorry ma’am”

“And just by the way again, please keep yourself updated on latest news and current affairs’’

“I’m just sooo sorry ma’am”

“And one last by the way Sir”

“What ma’am”

Collecting her purse and adjusting her spectacles she looked squarely at Libas and said, “Tomorrow I will read the Headlines but I advise you not to do so” 

Winking at the author impishly, the woman of honour strode out of the room flaunting her jazzy dress, playing with her wiry hair, and riding high in her grandmother’s shoes.

She had rightly proved that, “A person can make you feel superior by their consent but they can make you feel inferior only by your consent”